Self-Esteem is Spiritual: A Black Woman's Guide to Cultivating Confidence

 Introduction

    Over the past few months, I have been seriously contemplating how trauma - both generational and in my childhood - has impacted me and molded me into this complex being that was somehow hard to digest. I processed how myself, and my girlfriends in the sister circle, had to fight at home, at school, at work, and more just to be seen as human. You know, alive with feelings, blood, dreams, and yet it's a hard to grasp subject that Black women are not monoliths. Some of my earliest memories were jabs at my appearance, demeanor, and how small I was for my age. I  was five years old and didn't understand why I had to drink pediasure and take nasty medicine prescribed in amber-colored plastic bottles. Eventually, I realized that I committed the sin of being frail in the South, and later in adulthood of being "too big". My lighter complexion had grown more toasted and warm, taking after my mother's cocoa tone, to which my father noticed and didn't hold back about how dark I was getting. Dark as if it were an abomination to be sunkissed. 

    Later, several of these tiny moments when combined with Narcissistic abuse and neglect led to severely low self-esteem. I remember trying my hardest to believe that I could be beautiful, not knowing that I already was and had always been just that. Of course, that was in middle school when I had no idea that 1) I was autistic and 2) that being part of an alternative subculture, and an atheist, were like fifty-two additional sins heaped upon my back. Chile, I was miserable and lonely. (Cue depression and anxiety, oh and masking too.) I thought that cheerleading would make me more digestible, I excelled but it only caused more of a polarizing view for my classmates - many of whom didn't recognize me when I was in character. Did I mention that despite being captain, my name was spelled wrong on my trophy? Ouch. 

    Beginning my spiritual journey so early on in life led me down a rabbit hole to where I am now. I realized that deep in my psyche, I remembered and held onto every little instance that reinforced to me that I was forgettable, unwanted, unloved, and alienated from others. I realized that the rationale falsely led me to believe that I had to behave, look, and speak a certain way to get what I thought was love and acceptance. (Ladies and gentlemen give a somber welcome to people pleasing.) I can sit here and give you years worth of testimonies about the unpacking I had to do to defeat my woes, instead I will summarize it and hope that my journey helps you on your journey.

Developing discernment and relearning self trust 

    Getting my self-esteem out of the gutter and cultivating confidence required me to restore rapport with myself. It also required me to gain quite a bit of media literacy, and become more fluent in reading a room full of people. The anxiety set in due to me not trusting myself to handle people and situations in a way that is self-honoring. I was so used to moving through life like a genie that I forgot I was in control of myself and my actions. I had to heavily process why I felt guilty for putting myself first, and understand the harm that selflessness without discernment can have on my health and well-being. I grabbed a notebook and scribbled furiously on its pages every negative thought about myself, I picked one thought to dissect at a time, and my pattern recognition led me back to one thing...self-esteem. The way I ate too much at times, and then fasted too much. The way I obsessed over my features, cancelling plans if I wasn't up to par. The way my stomach dropped when I couldn't keep up with the latest trends in fashion and beauty. All of these behaviors stemmed from low self-esteem.

    It is spiritual warfare the way Black women are raked over the coals for not being wherever the goal post is at that moment. I had to develop the skills to understand facts versus fiction, recognize dog whistles, and know what propaganda was and how it worked. No one lives in the United States. particularly in the Bible-belt, and comes out of their stupor without first knowing that they have been brainwashed. From being called "fast" for simply developing an adolescent body, to not being able to be a child and make mistakes, Black girls are demonized, sexualized, and groomed to believe that we inherently are something to be contained and imprisoned by respectability politics. In short, bullshit standards that no one can actually keep up with. Black girls turn into women who struggle against their nature and intuition, in the vain attempt to fit into a world where we just do not belong. We do not belong amongst white supremacist beauty standards. Decolonizing our outlook on the world and our place in it is an important catalyst to restoring faith in ourselves and our abilities. Though we will still face struggles in such a system, our capacity to care for ourselves and protect our spirits from corruption increases when we know the truth - our truth. 

What confidence is and isn't

    Your hair, nails, and lashes are done. You went to the spa and got a facial and massage. You bought yourself a new bag and some outfits. You're confident now...now you're confident? Let me be clear, T loves her a good pamper day and to get dolled up but, rooting your confidence in fleeting, here now moments leaves you ass out when maintenance isn't sustainable - or when it starts to feel like an obligation as opposed to self care.

    How will you feel when you don't look the best? When you're sick, or tired from school or work? When you are dealing with deadlines? How about in those wee moments before bed when your thoughts are racing?  Confidence is so much deeper than how we adorn ourselves and what we look like, it is about how we feel in our mind and spirits when we are at our most vulnerable. 

    Think of building self-esteem like you would building muscle, one day you're going to wake up and feel the way you have always wanted to feel about yourself. You will make better decisions for yourself and be able to manage people and situations who try to diminish your talent, beauty, and intellect. There won't be any need for affirmations, or post it notes all over the mirror, because you will just know that you love and value yourself. You will be able to face the trials and tribulations of being a Black Woman and feel the sense of unshakeable security, joy, and love that will keep you stable like the foundation of a house.

Key Takeaways and Shadow Work Prompts

    Over the course of the next few weeks, I am challenging you to take stewardship over your life and begin to unpack the moments in your life that have contributed to low self-esteem, a lack of self trust, and low confidence. Throughout this post we have discussed how trauma and our upbringings can sow seeds of discontent, and the process of unlearning, decolonizing, and gaining media literacy to combat anti-Blackness and misogynoir. We also discussed what confidence is and isn't, and the value of  taking our time to develop self-esteem for life-long stability.

    

Here are some shadow work prompts you can journal on:

1. How do I feel about myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically? Explain the reasoning behind the answer you gave each aspect of yourself. 

2. What are things that others have done and said to me that made me feel inadequate, and hurt my feelings? Disprove each comment. Keep your responses in a mental arsenal for the next time that someone jabs at your self-esteem.

3. Evaluate how your childhood and trauma has impacted how you view and interact with yourself. Write down the memories and research ways to systematically heal from these events. (Disclaimer: healing isn't linear so, know that you will spend time reworking and revising your answers to these prompts for years to come.)

I appreciate you being here and sharing space with these words. If this spoke to you, feel free to support by sharing, engaging, or connecting with me for readings and spiritual work when aligned. Everything I offer is done with intention, care, and respect. Thank you for allowing me to do what I love.